Breakdown

It finally happened. I had been so strong and had only cried once-for just a second-since leaving Parker to go back to work, today everything changed.
I have to begin by telling you how blessed I have been. For the first two weeks after returning to work I was able to take Parker with me. It was wonderful to be with him all day, but very hard to get work done! Then, last week, Brady's mom stayed with us and watched him. This was still ok because I was able to come home and feed him during lunch. For the next three weeks, my grandma is in town from Arizona and is watching him at my parents' house. I am just so lucky that I don't have to take him to daycare until January!
This morning I was dropping Parker off with my grandma and she asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Apparently that question hit a nerve and I just started sobbing. I don't know if it was a combination of not being able to fit into anything I want to ask for yet and leaving Parker, or just the fact that I just suddenly felt overwhelmed.
Sadly, I am started to tear up just writing this down. Being a mom is the best thing ever, but sometimes it is all just a bit overwhelming. I always heard people talk about balancing work and family, but until now, I just didn't realize how hard it would be. I am constantly feeling like I am not doing anything great. When I drop Parker off I am wishing I could just stay home so I don't miss out on anything, but also really wanting to go to work. When I am at work, I am feeling like I can't get anything done because I am thinking about what he is doing and if he misses me. I don't think anyone can prepare you for what you feel and how hard this can be. I guess you just learn to do the best you can when you can.