Thankful...

I love my husband.  Sometimes, I feel like I don't write enough (or for that matter tell him enough) how amazing he is, both as a father and a husband.  I knew from the moment I met him that I was meant to be with him, but it took me a year and a half to admit it to myself.  He is everything I ever thought I wanted and everything I didn't realize I needed.  I even had a list, and yes, he met every requirement.   I knew that we could handle any obstacle that came our way and would turn to each other when we were troubled.  What I didn't realize was that moving here would challenge who I thought I was, and in turn make me make him crazy, just kidding, kind of...:).   I am just so thankful for him.

Moving here has made me question who I am, what I contribute and even what I deserve.   Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE staying home with Parker and positively cherish the time I get to spend with him.  However, I didn't realize that staying home would make me question every dollar I spend, and wonder whether I can actually buy anything for myself.  I am ridiculously cheap...to a fault.  This combined with the fact that I am no longer actually bringing in money has made me question even the smallest purchases.  Last week I found myself putting a shirt back for Parker so that I could show Brady first.  I didn't realize how much my independence had suffered.  Brady has been my biggest supporter and constantly reminds me that I am contributing in a huge way.  I am still struggling, but I would be even crazier if he wasn't so supportive.

I also didn't realize that I would feel both jealous and guilty watching him go to work every morning.  Sometimes I long for the companionship of co-workers, even though I know I would be thinking of Parker every minute I was gone.  Other times I feel so guilty that he has to go to work and I get to stay home with P.  I also didn't realize that I would feel guilty if I didn't get enough done around the house in a day, but equally as guilty if I got everything done but felt like I let P watch too much tv or play on his own too much.  I am so grateful for the chance to stay home with our son.  I know that I can never get this time back and while I am struggling to find a balance between being a good wife, mother and well, woman, at least I know Brady is by my side.  He is my rock and I am so blessed to have him.