I love my husband. Sometimes, I feel like I don't write enough (or for that matter tell him enough) how amazing he is, both as a father and a husband. I knew from the moment I met him that I was meant to be with him, but it took me a year and a half to admit it to myself. He is everything I ever thought I wanted and everything I didn't realize I needed. I even had a list, and yes, he met every requirement. I knew that we could handle any obstacle that came our way and would turn to each other when we were troubled. What I didn't realize was that moving here would challenge who I thought I was, and in turn make me make him crazy, just kidding, kind of...:). I am just so thankful for him.
Moving here has made me question who I am, what I contribute and even what I deserve. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE staying home with Parker and positively cherish the time I get to spend with him. However, I didn't realize that staying home would make me question every dollar I spend, and wonder whether I can actually buy anything for myself. I am ridiculously cheap...to a fault. This combined with the fact that I am no longer actually bringing in money has made me question even the smallest purchases. Last week I found myself putting a shirt back for Parker so that I could show Brady first. I didn't realize how much my independence had suffered. Brady has been my biggest supporter and constantly reminds me that I am contributing in a huge way. I am still struggling, but I would be even crazier if he wasn't so supportive.
I also didn't realize that I would feel both jealous and guilty watching him go to work every morning. Sometimes I long for the companionship of co-workers, even though I know I would be thinking of Parker every minute I was gone. Other times I feel so guilty that he has to go to work and I get to stay home with P. I also didn't realize that I would feel guilty if I didn't get enough done around the house in a day, but equally as guilty if I got everything done but felt like I let P watch too much tv or play on his own too much. I am so grateful for the chance to stay home with our son. I know that I can never get this time back and while I am struggling to find a balance between being a good wife, mother and well, woman, at least I know Brady is by my side. He is my rock and I am so blessed to have him.
And That's It
2 weeks ago
4 comments:
GREAT post. I totally hear you! It's a struggle to feel like you are pulling your weight at home but still have part of you jealous of not having a job... It's such a tough balance.
And it doesn't go away in the later years. When I retired, I began to feel the same tug. . . and I didn't have kids at home; just dogs. I love having free time . . . and feel guilty having free time. The flip side is we have reclaimed our weekends . . . Don doesn't have to do laundry, go to the store, pay the bills (though he never did that anyway!), clean house. So I am looking at my contributions in a different way - just not financially. And for Parker . . . well, it is the best thing that could happen to him!
You are such a great mom!! I hear from a lot of my friends that those feelings are completely normal and take time to sort out. You will get there. :)
You are amazing and wonderful and the best wife & mom in all the world! And so pretty too!
Love you. :)
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